Ready For Love: An Upcoming Post

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

India Arie~Ready For Love Lyrics

Crushes...

Over my lifetime, I have had sooooo many crushes. I mean, the whole lazy-eye-overweight thing didn't help me when I was younger. Now, I rarely have crushes...until recently with the whole celibacy thing going on.

I wouldn't call it lust, but I would  call it being a woman. I am just attracted to men, and good looking ones hat. Well, you know when you haven't really had a choice in men lately, you find yourself attracted, crushing on, looking at men you normally wouldn't. Every time I see someone from my past and they are a looking a hot mess or have fifty-leven (50-11 in my mothers voice) kids, I always think, dodged that bullet.

This last crush that I had,was a weird one. I will try to be as specific as possible, without putting this person on front street. It doesn't matter how we met or where we met, but for the most part we had have a friendship. I think that when my mind went to a place that it shouldn't have, I got a little scared and backed off a bit. Fast forward a couple of months and I get to spend a good amount of time with him and I realize, what the devil was I thinking. There were the constant references to sex (with other people) that made me uncomfortable. Then it was the whole thing about speaking about him speaking about a woman that he was with or talking to at this time so openly and freely. I thought to myself, how could I be attracted to person who equates one of his best talents as being...giving a woman...you get my drift. Please tell me that I do not have to spell it out. Perhaps it was those things that attracted him to me in the first place, physically, honestly sexually, too.

Crushes are a dangerous thing! I would never tell this person how I felt about them. Wait, how I thought that I felt about them. Crushes can cloud your vision, but sometimes you can see a person for exactly who they are.

Alright, this Hallmark Movie: How to Fall in Love got me feeling some type of way...maybe I need a matchmaker and stop this online dating bull crap.

A Drought: Men

'Its been 2 months since I've had a date. This is worst than the drought of 1989. And that was only because I was on vacation in Alabama and refused to date any one named Bookie, Junior, or Baby Brother.'
-Loosely Paraphrased from Regine on Living Single 'Baby I'm Back...Again'

Could I possibly be in drought?!?!? Or is just a chance for me to grow as a person until the right man comes along?



Either way I look at it, which I am trying to be optimistic here, its a drought. To be completely honest, I haven't had one since 19...umh, 1997. Yes, this is the longest that I have gone without having a boo, man, dude that I just kick it with.

Thinking about it, other than the dirtbag that conitinuously stood me up, I havent even so much as talked to a dude since then. No dates. No sex. No affection. No real prospects. Enough, that is almost depressing thinking about it.

So, I am in a drought. Its not the first time and I am sure that there has been some periods since 1997 that I've been in a drought, but I cannot remember them. I am taking this time to reflect on things in my life. For so many years, my life revolved around men and being around them. I was so submissive because I felt like I needed a man for various reasons. I would constantly go from one dude to another, sometimes more than one at a time, looking for something. Something that could possibly fill the void that I was missing. Hoping that the next dude would be the one.

This drought has given me some moments of clarity. I know what I am looking for in a mate and I am not so much willing to settle. But I must admit that I am waiting for it to rain. I mean a soaking rain that will come from no where, downpour, flash flooding. He said that he will and I know that its coming and it may be unexpected, but much appreciated.

What's a Single Sistah to Do?

Recently, I have been very cynical in finding and falling in love. I realize that I cannot be this way. Lately, I have been throwing myself into my work as a way of avoiding not having a man to spend time with. I am a woman with standards and I am not just willing to settle for anyone. Normally, being single wouldn't bother me, but I feel like I am at a place in my life where things are good and I want someone to share that with. There is nothing wrong with that. I am not saying that I am planning my wedding or want to marry the next man that I meet, but do want some companionship. So from today on, I will only speak and think positive things about love. I am not going to go out looking for a man or have some convluted fantise of how great we will be together. I am going to start back praying for my husband and who knows I may even write a letter to my future husband and have it delivered one year from that date and see if it actually comes true.

Stay Tuned!

What's a Single Sistah To Do?

So, I got an unexptected text message from a dude that stood me up about two weeks ago. It reads (clearing my throat):

Happy New Year! I want to apologize if I over reacted over something so small. I really felt you didn't want to be bothered and you were going just cause. I was thinking about you and I had to say this, I would like another chance for us to go out as friends. Oh this is [MB] just in case you deleted my number.

I let him wait, and honestly didn't know if I wanted to respond at all. I was contemplating for hours.

He then texts back about 8 hours later:

So I take that as a No

I play it cool becase I am over it. Honestly, I don't know what the reason was that he stood me up, but from the text that he sent to me, he obviously doesn't know why either.

Ugh! What's a single sistah to do??!?!?

What's a Single Sistah to do?

It's Friday night and instead of me being out with the dude that I was talking to, I am typing out this post as a way to vent. I finally break down, well, wait, make time to go out with this boy dude that I am talking to and what does he do??!?!?! STAND ME UP!

I talked to him on Wednesday just to confirm that we were still going out. I am a planner and I wanted to check the weather, how to wear my hair, make-up, shoes, the normal stuff. He confirmed going to happy hour at Mad Mex in Shadyside (or that area). Fine. So, yesterday, I didn't hear from him, so I text him. He texts back. I call him later, just to chit chat. Everything seems fine.

Today, I text him while on lunch for the address of the place and he gives it to me. Nothing else. I stop by CVS to pick up some make-up because I seen it on sale for 75% off. I text him to see what time we were meeting up. He says 9:15. Ok. Now from here, its confusing. He says, We can hook up another time. Just let me know ahead of time when we want to hook up. Huh!? I was so confused. I didn't understand where this was coming from. I ask if this was a bad time and he says tonight is great for me. I am the one that set it up for tonight. We can try another time. Have a good night. Ok, I never said anything about not wanting to go, so I didn't know where this was coming from. I called him and he said that he was talking to his mother, didn't answer, but text me back. Then I ask him what is really going on. He says I was going just didn't feel the vibe, maybe next time will be better. I want to kick it with you but I feel your not interested in me. What does that have to do with us going out as friends?!?!?! He says that we were going out as friends, but we can go at another time. I text him back 'If we were going as friend then what does it matter if I am interested in your or not? See, its just not making sense to me. I really wanted to go but for whatever reason, even though it's a good time for both of us you don't want to go. I was really looking forward to going. I just feel let down and that your not being completely honest with me.'

Nothing back from him; no call or text.

What is a single sistah to do?!?! I don't want to be the angry black woman, but I am upset about this. I could have made other plans or went out somewhere else. Why didn't he say this earlier. I asked him and never got an answer. Although cliche, I think that he was out with another girl.

After being stood up on a Friday night, I am sitting here eating a semi-disgusting steak sandwich and slightly underdone breaded mushrooms from Pizza Milano while watching what TLC calls: Brideday. It is bad that I am being cynical and thinking that maybe I'll never get married?!? Try to stay positive...think positive.

Relationship Guru: Whatever happened to just being friends?

Alright, so after the whole 'Just In Case: Take Care' ordeal, I am back out in the game! Well, kinda. I recently linked back up with a friend. He found me on facebook, we exchanged numbers, and have been taking ever since. Recently, he has been asking me some questions that lead me to believe that he wants a lil' more than just being friends.  Just the mention of marriage, kids, relationships makes me a uncomfortable. While texting one another, he asks me if I can possibly see a relationship with him? Do I find him attractive? Ok, let me just give ya'll the back story. We met like 15 years ago. We really don't know one another, never dated, and I haven't seen him in person in about...cricket...8 years?  I asked him where did this come from? He said that he was just curious because he can see himself being in a relationship with me. Yeah, me. Slightly-broken-and-bitter-celibate-easily scared away-with-the-mention-of-commitment-on-the-fence-about-wanting-kids-me.

I am not saying that it would never happen with him, but we haven't even hung out together to see if its something that would even happen. I'm not really sure where this all came from. I think that its funny when a guy shows that they are vulnerable just like women, and I am starting to hear about it more and more from different guys.

Whatever happened to just being friends with someone...taking things slow?

Just in Case, Take Care: Part III

It's a normal Monday night, and I am looking at one of my new shows, Two Broke Girls, and the episode is about Max misinterpreting one of her friends gestures as more than what they are. She ends up kissing him in the streets...while his girlfriend is right behind him. (Click here for full episode). He confronts her and she asks him why didn't he tell her. He said that is was because he didn't know what do with his feelings for her and his girlfriend. Sign? Maybe.

My whole thing is that we've been friends for years, and yes we have even been intimate before. I've started my period and messed up his sheets, he's walked in on me having sex, we just have one of those relationships friendships. Did I think that it was weird that he came into town and didn't meet-up? Yeah, but what can I say. Is it weird that he hung with mutual friends and never bother to call me? I had to hear about it from them. But you couldn't call me? Could he have been hiding some feelings for me and didn't know how he would react when he seen me? Maybe. At the time that he came into town I didn't know that he had a girlfriend. To make matters worst, I seen a picture of him and his girl on his facebook page. Did I feel some type of way? Yeah, I did, but they look good together.

I'm at the point where I think that I need to just stay off of facebook. You see stuff that you don't need to see. I'm a realists and I know that the reason/way that I feel about him and this whole situation is because I was reading into things to much and because of the intimacy that we once had my feelings are distorted. I brought this on myself; he doesn't know how I feel about it and whatever feelings that he may have towards me, he can keep it to himself. To be honest, I think that how I feel about him is just a knee-jerk reaction that I had because I think that him having someone is going to effect what we have. Which isn't much, just open communication. I shared stuff with him that I share with my closest girl-friends. Why couldn't he do the same?

To be a good friend, I am going to keep my word and proof the resume and send it back to him...but after that, like Drake's new album, Take Care.

Afterthoughts: I read everything that I wrote and really sat down and thought about it, and I realize that the posts pertaining to Just in Case, Take Care are my initial reactions. Now that I have had time to think about things--I mean really think about them--I overreacted. Now that the initial shock and raw emotions have passed,  I am fine. Honestly. Writing things out and venting about a situations helps to put things into perspective and see things for what they really are.

Just in Case, Take Care: Part II

Fast forward a couple of conversations and texts, he asks me to proof his resume. Sure. Friends do that for one another. Alright, the next things catches me completely off guard. He states that he would consider moving to PA for a job. Ok, move from a diverse, melting pot, brimming with more opportunity than here, back to PA. (This may actually be the point where I took things a lil' too literally). Oh huh, if that is what you want to do. Now before I get into this next part just know that it's funny how things come out right without you even prying--and just another reason why I feel like social media networks have corrupted our communication skills. So, on a IM conversation, we get into a conversation about sex. He asks me about my celibacy journey and the conversation goes from there. During this conversation he states that he gets in on a regular basis. Really? This is different. I ask

Me:You have a woman?

Him:Yes.

Me:Is it serious?

Him:Yes.

Me:Why didn't you tell me? Change you facebook status? Something that shows that you are seriously talking to someone

Him:You know that I like to keep stuff low-key.

Me:I think that you should have told me.

Mind you, we talk late night, text one another, all the things that if your partner finds they might be like who the bleep is this bleep texting you and you talking to all the time?!?! At this point, my ego is slightly bruised. Its my fault that I read too much into our friendship and that I possibly developed feelings and they didn't surface he told me this and a couple of waves of jealousy ran through me.

The conversation continues and I try to keep it together like I am not phased.

Me: So, what if you get a job up here. You can't just leave her.

Him: I'll bring her with me.

In my mind, I am like ok, this is too weird. I need to cut this short and hit him with the 'take care'. Basically 'take care' means if we talk again, fine, if not, that's fine too.I wish you no ill-will or harm; I wish you the best.

Trying to end on a positive note, I tell him that I will review his resume send it back to him. I try to end the conversation, but we go on a little more about random stuff.

Helater contacted me on IM and ignored him. He sent an email. I ignored him. It's to the point where I stay off of the computer during our normal chat session hours and refrain myself from sending my normal random texts during the work day

To be continued...

Click here to read Part I.

Just in Case, Take Care: Part I

You see it all the time in movies. Two people of the opposite sex who are friends make a pact that if one of them isn't married or in a serious, committed relationship by the time they are 30, then they'll get married. It's called a Just-in: Just in case (fill-in the blank). In real life, people have a just-in, but you may not call it that. I had a just-in...or so I thought.

Perhaps I was living in a dream world, or reading into our frequent conversations way too much. Either way, I feel some type of way. Although we live hundreds of miles away from one another, he came to this area and failed to call me to meet-up. Not even on no nasty type stuff either. I thought that was odd when I heard from other people, and facebook, that he was in the area. When we spoke again, he stated that he was really busy while up here. Whatever. I thought that we were better than that.

To be continued....

Note: Originally this was going to be one long post, venting about an issue that I had with a friend. After careful consideration, I decided to break it up into three parts. I think that once I get to the end of it my feelings may have changed some and it will actually play out in real time. This is not a work of fiction--true life

Relationship Guru?! Who Me?

Without having a successful relationship in life, thus far, recently I have found myself being a relationship guru for some of my friends. It seems like everyone wants to talk to me, ask me my opinion, or spill their heart out to me. Don’t get me wrong, there are very few things that I haven’t experienced while being in a relationship. Some of the experiences I only share with certain people or when there is a need to illustrate and relate to them. Then, there are those relationship experiences that I keep to me, myself, and I.

I think that one of the main reasons why friends chose to confide in me is because of my unbiased opinion of the situations. Or it could be because I am good listener. I try to listen more than I talk. Now, there are those times when I get a little bogged down with everyone else’s problems and just want to vent about what I have going on. Which brings me to this, as of this current moment, I am very much single and celibate so I don’t have a lot of relationship baggage with me. I am comfortable with who I am. So, when people tell me about their relationship problems I’m not the friend that is jealous because one of my friends have a man and I don’t . I’m not the friend constantly telling them to leave them alone, because I have been there before and most importantly I don’t want their man for myself. Maybe it is because when I was in f’ed up relationships all of my friends were there for me and this is just payback. Whatever the reason, I’ll enjoy my time as a self-proclaimed relationship guru.