It dawned on me yesterday while doing my normal Sunday routine. I woke up just like any other Sunday and debated on whether I should go to church or not. While sitting there, I tuned to a Joel Osteen's broadcast. I'm listening to the feel good biblical teachings of Joel and I really felt good about the coming week, my personal life, and any forthcomings. I felt like all of the struggles that I have been going through lately was for a reason and victory was right around the corner. The more that Joel talked, he spoke about loving the Lord. Right then and there, like an LL Cool J song, I realized, I need love. And I am not just talking about the type of love from the opposite sex, but true, unconditional, undying love.
I've been through some things in my life and I am finally at a point in my life where I can say that most of them came because of me not loving myself. No, I am not beating myself up; I am being real. Irrational decisions with men, horrible decisions with my body, drinking and smoking (excessively), the list could go on. And although I have made progress, I need love. Not some man, not a job, not the crazy notions that pop into my head for a week then slowly fade away. My spiritual journey is one that makes me feel like I am stuck in purgatory. Like, I am cheating on the real me. I can't think of myself being totally committed to the Lord because I still love my old ways.
I need to fall in love with myself and the Lord. I love myself enough to let go of the vices that hold me down, but there is still work to be done, and I know that the Lord ain't done with me yet!